I Tried to Scam the Tooth Fairy

Updated: Aug 20, 2021

The letter reads as follows:

Dear Tooth Fairy,

I'm trying to find my tooth. But I couldn't find it. I did something wrong and I have to pay my sister back so I'm asking for 7 dollars. I'm sorry it's so high. But my sister is asking for my pumpkin money. I wish I could say something. My sister is rushing on my money [sic]. She wants 25 dollars our [sic[ I'm history. See you later. One more thing, I don't think it's fair, but you know Ellie.

Even at a young age I knew that I possessed a special gift, but the problem was that I also lacked basic common sense. The idea that the Tooth Fairy would clearly notice the difference between a note and a tooth, or the fact that I wasn't missing any teeth didn't enter my mind. I needed the money or I was history. I'm not sure of the event which led up to my younger sister extorting me for $25.00, but it was probably something insignificant--she may have even been involved in the writing of the note. "Tell her that you're going to be history if you don't get it, Dave," she likely said, looking over me as I drafted my shakedown letter.

This was serious. My punkin mony [sic] was at stake. I loved pumpkins. Everybody and their Uncle Charlie knew that Dave loved to carve pumpkins and this had somehow turned my sister into a shylock. It wasn't fair, as I correctly stated in the letter. I probably thought about pulling one of my teeth out, but I didn't have the sort of bravery required that sort of action. Seven dollars? Such an odd number, especially given that my sister was collecting on $25.00. I would still be in the hole and god knows what the vig was.

The coup de grâce of this piece is obviously the fantastic tooth artwork at the bottom. This was my best attempt at letting the Tooth Fairy know that I understood her world. It was a world of pirates and cowboys and scissor leg contraptions. Hell, I drew myself as a tooth--I was one of them! Did it work? No. How could it? I'm sure it remained under my pillow until my parents changed my sheets and finally discovered it. I'm sure that my parents found a way to get the pumpkin money and my mother probably roasted the seeds just as she did most years when we were still celebrating Halloween. All was well in the world and my sister probably moved on to bank robbery--just kidding, my sister would eventually become a hospice social worker and is consequently one of the nicest people on the planet--just don't ever be in her debt or you'll likely wake up to a beheaded horse in your bed.


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